new life
I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately, I doubt anyone will read this so I’m pretty sure I’m in the clear. I think it’ll just be good for me to get all of this out there, so I can leave it behind me and not continue to carry my baggage through relationships, and drag men who don’t deserve it, through it.
I grew up with amazing parents, always doing whatever they can for me and my brother. A lot of things had happened in my life, living here in San Diego, and to be honest, when I was 18, I just needed out. My parents and I, our relationship became strained after losing my job and messing up in school. Whether it be my fault or not, shit happened. My parents were threatening to kick me out of the house, which is understandable, obviously just trying to give me some motivation to get the things finished that I needed to, but went about it the wrong way.
I freaked out, with nowhere to turn, my friend since I had known from age 12 had offered me a place to stay. Within a week, with all the money I had left from my job, I grabbed everything I could fit into my truck and left.
Lost and feeling really alone, I fell into an even worse situation, thinking that I had any clue of what I was doing, which obviously… I had no idea. My friend and I started to become a lot closer over my time there, and that flourished into a relationship filled with love. One crazy night, he asked me to marry him, and with as lost as I was, and as sad as it is to say it; I had little to no self worth left in me, I said yes.
After a year of being married, he had finished serving his four years of service in the Navy. Things seemed to be going great, we were on our way to Wyoming so he could attend WyoTech. After a few months there, things started to turn awry. I was working on my own, trying to take care of him and put him through school. Bills started tacking on late fees, my health was becoming more of an issue, and things started moving downhill at a rapid rate.
It started with drinking, he would drink nearly every night, I’d come home to him already buzzed or drunk, pissed off about something, anything he could find. We were barely talking at this point. I woke up at 6 to open for work, close at 5pm; he would start school at 4pm up until 2am. Everything was becoming abusive, my health causing me to gain weight, the drinking, the constant stress on both ends.
To move this on a little bit quicker, after years of abuse, I finally found my self worth, realized I was better than and deserved more than that. The catch, emotional atrophy. I fell apart, I didn’t want to see the light of day, everything that I had gone through I was too ashamed of talking about with anyone. My parents had no idea of the abuse, no one knew. I began to drink just to be able to sleep.
In n out, through relationship after the next, each one completely demolished by remnants from my failed marriage. I never meant to hurt anyone, I never wanted any kind of life like this. I’m genuinely sorry to them, for putting them through that, and hope that they can be understanding of me. Hopefully, at some point, we can be friends again, but I know I’m not deserving in even asking for that kind of forgiveness.
I’m just now, 3-4 years from being back home, finally crawling out of hole and making my way to standing on my own two feet again. Hopefully in the future my relationships don’t become victims of my wretched past. Only time will tell, but with many mistakes made, I feel I’ve learned what I’ve needed to, to find direction in where I need to be headed.
My life is just now beginning, and it feels amazing. I move next week, to make my second attempt at making it on my own, and I will make it this time. It’s very exciting, and to all of my friends and for everyone that has been there for me during this crazy journey, I cannot even thank you enough. I hope that someday I can pay it forward.
You’ve all given me some much needed love in my life, and you’ve all inadvertently saved me.
